Let’s understand that keeping secrets from your partner is a no-go. Keeping secrets, even if they are small, can grow into bigger, deeper secrets that can lead to huge problems in a relationship. Secrets can lead to a toxic couple as well as bitter feelings.
Let’s not confuse secrecy, privacy, and surprises. Couples should strive to have surprises for each other. These could include gift-giving, date nights, birthday parties, etc. Surprises in relationships keep things fresh and lively. There is nothing wrong with having surprises for your partner occasionally or frequently. Yes, surprises do require some form of secrecy to some degree, but the difference is that surprises reveal those secrets once the surprise is over. Secrets, on the other hand, are not intended to be shared.
Let’s talk about privacy vs. secrecy. “Privacy is your right. It is the act of having your own thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you may not feel compelled to share with anyone. It includes having boundaries around how and when you are accessible and allows you to have alone time. Privacy is a healthy form or practicing individuality” (Herzog). Everyone is entitled to some form of privacy. Privacy is needed in a relationship for personal space, such as going to the bathroom, changing, sleeping, or just wanting some alone time. Privacy should not lead to secrecy. If you want privacy to hide something, you are being secretive.
Things become secrets when you begin to hide things from your partner, whether out of fear of getting caught or hurting your partner. If you are being secretive, you probably already know you are doing something wrong, so don’t do it. “Secrecy is a toxic relationship behavior that can cause serious harm to the health of your relationship” (Herzog).
Be upfront with your partner. Tell them what is on your mind. This does not mean you must disclose every little detail but tell them about the little things. Tell them what’s bothering you. They are the only person you should be able to trust with all your secrets. Yes, even the deepest, darkest ones. “In order to build a deep and trusting relationship, some level of self-disclosure is necessary, and the more intimate the relationship, the deeper this disclosure tends to be” (Kreiner). If you feel uncomfortable sharing your secrets with your partner, you have yet to commit to them fully or vice versa. Start by telling little, not-so-embarrassing secrets. Start small, and you can start sharing deeper secrets as your relationship grows.
Secrets occur when one or both partners withhold information from each other. As we come to an understanding that secrets are bad, there are always exceptions to the rules. In one case, if a third party confides secret information to your partner that doesn’t have anything to do with you, that secret may be kept on behalf of the third party. However, if the information does affect you or your partner, that information needs to be shared.
Aren’t we breaking our trust with the third party? What if the third party is my best friend? My answer to that is so what? Partners are priority number one. Spouses take priority over everyone else. This includes best friends, siblings, parents, children, and work buddies. A spouse/partner is the number one in your life. (Chinese research)
Lastly, don’t assume a secret is being kept from you. If you suspect there is some form of secrecy about it, talk about it. Don’t yell, don’t be upset if you suspect something, be genuine, and ask questions. If you begin to get heated, step back, and try again later.
Kreiner H, Levi-Belz Y. 2019. Self-Disclosure Here and Now: Combining Retrospective Perceived Assessment With Dynamic Behavioral Measures. Frontiers. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00558/full.
Michelle Herzog. 2021. Secrecy vs. Privacy: Do you know the difference? Center for Modern Relationships. https://centerformodernrelationships.com/blog-list/2021/6/29/secrecy-vs-privacy-do-you-know-the-difference#:~:text=Secrecy%20is%20a%20toxic%20relationship,financial%20decisions%20without%20your%20partner.
Photos by Radu Florin and Kat Smith