First things first, if you came to read this article to know how to get the better over your partner, you are seeking the wrong answers. Couples will argue, there is no if, ands, or buts about that. The importance is how a couple will resolve their issues. According to John Gottman, he can predict if a couple will divorce by how they resolve their issues. A healthy resolve that includes humor, taking responsibility, withdrawing in appropriate times to name a few can lead to a healthy long lasting relationship.
Arguing isn’t about winning or getting the better over your partner. You don’t want to embarrass or humiliate your partner, do you? As conflict arises, it’s important to understand that conflict is actually a good thing. “Conflict fuels change” (Christine Carter). In Christine’s article, she talks about children and conflict. Although, we see conflict throughout our lives, there are many circumstances where conflict is inevitable, including marriage and other romantic relationships.
As a relationship continues to mature, important or sensitive topics will arise. These topics as well as “insignificant” topics will lead to conflict or arguing. Instead of getting heated or trying to prove your partner wrong, try listening, explaining, and control those strong emotions to avoid saying something hurtful. You can change your opinion, but you cannot take hurtful words back.
Win Or Lose
Most people love being right. Especially when the argument has gotten out of hand, and you come up with the perfect comeback or point to stop the argument in its tracks. It is important to remember that we don’t want to always be right. If we are always right, that means that your partner is always wrong. Sometimes we have to show humility and admit we are wrong or change our perception. Sometimes we simply need to lose the argument.
“Striving to defeat your spouse when you disagree”. Is one obstacle that leads to divorce (Jeffrey Rubin, 2011). The goal isn’t to view your partner as an opponent, but as someone you can trust, abide in, and lift up. This mentality should be present in both parties.
Problem Solving
Here are some strategies to resolve conflict a little better.
- Take responsibility for your anger and the hurt it causes. (Swallow your pride and apologize).
- Withdraw from the situation if you know you’re going to get angry or say something hurtful. (Explain this to you partner, don’t just walk away).
- Respond with soft answers.
- Identify and avoid trigger points. (Anything that may trigger negative emotion in your partner).
- Use humor when appropriate. (Learn how to joke around with your partner, take things seriously when needed).
- Set goals. If you are having a hard time controlling your anger or arguing too much, an example of a goal would be a swear jar. Every time you swear, put some money in the jar. Another example would be incentives such as, if dad doesn’t yell for a month, he can have his new golf clubs.
These are just a few examples of what couples who are struggling with resolving their conflicts in a constructive way can use to strengthen their relationship.
Christine Carter. 2008. Conflict: It’s a good thing. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/conflict_its_a_good_thing.
Jeffrey Rubin. 2011. Winning in a Relationship is a Losing Strategy. HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/winning-in-a-relationship_b_874470.